Call it a case of sticking it where the sun don’t shine.
Lest anyone think US president Donald Trump couldn’t get any crasser, the self-declared ‘Tariff King’ told foreign leaders on Tuesday to pucker up to his posterior if they had any hope of avoiding the fallout from his self-declared trade war that went into full effect at midnight this morning.
Speaking at the National Republican Congressional Committee’s annual fundraising dinner in Washington Tuesday night, Trump bragged world leaders from Japan and the Philippines were figuratively crawling on bended knees in desperation over his latest round of sky-high import tariffs.
“These countries are calling us up, kissing my ass,” Trump said to a roaring (and reportedly stunned) GOP crowd. “They are. They are dying to make a deal.”
He then demonstrated what he imagines those phone calls sound like, adopting a pitiful, simpering voice: “Please, please, sir, make a deal. I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything, sir.”
It wasn’t immediately clear which countries he was referring to — though Canada is likely not among them.
At midnight, Trump’s sweeping new tariffs officially took effect, including a 104% levy on Chinese imports and steep new duties on European and Asian goods. Canada had already been hit with sweeping tariffs on autos and a 10% levy on energy for failing to stop the flood of fentanyl across the northern border — about 0.1% of US supply — which justified declaring a national emergency.
In response, Canada on Wednesday imposed retaliatory tariffs on a range of US-made products, including cars, appliances — and ketchup.
Meanwhile, Wall Street wasn’t kissing anything. The S&P 500 plunged below 5,000 for the first time in a year, obliterating more than $5.8 trillion off company valuations.
But Trump brushed off the economic carnage with his usual flair for self-congratulation and flagellation.
“I’ve had the most successful 100 days in the history of this country,” he declared, as traders frantically refreshed their portfolio apps.
He also took a swing at fellow Republicans who dared question his tariff rampage.
“I see some rebel Republican, some guy who wants to grandstand,” he scoffed, mocking members of his party for backing a bill to limit his tariff powers and end the state of emergency on Canada, including Senators Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell.
“Oh that’s what I need,” Trump sneered. “Some guy telling me how to negotiate. Let me tell you — you don’t negotiate like I negotiate.”
Trump also resurrected one of his stranger 2024 campaign talking points, praising fictional serial killer Hannibal Lecter.
“They used to go crazy when I talked about… the late, great Hannibal Lecter,” Trump mused. “Why does he talk about that? He’s a fictional character. He’s not. We have many of them that came across the border.”
Trump also teased more tariffs to come, including on Canadian pharmaceuticals and semi-conductors — and launched into an equally bizarre tirade on “artificial intelligence.”
“I know what the hell I’m doing,” Trump assured the room, before blasting “so-called economists” — and stock traders — who warn that his policies could cripple the US economy.
As global markets reel and allies scramble to protect their own industries, the world may be learning a tough lesson: when Trump says it’s not quite a war, it might be wise to prepare for battle anyway.
Cheek kisses not included.