Government has no business in the bathrooms — or more specifically, showers — of the nation.
In a bold move to douse what some would call the real pressing issue of the day — inadequate water pressure — US president Donald Trump on Wednesday signed an executive order this week aimed at “Making America’s Showers Great Again.”
The directive takes direct aim at what the White House calls the “Obama-Biden war on water pressure,” proving once again that, in Trump’s America, no showerhead nozzle is too small to deregulate.
At the heart of this lathered-up legislation is a deep concern about the time it takes to get Trump’s signature hairdo sufficiently damp, he admitted in a characteristically rambling press briefing.
“It’s ridiculous,” Trump said while signing the order, “I have to stand there for 15 minutes to get my beautiful hair wet. It has to be perfect.”
Americans collectively held their breath, unsure whether to laugh or cry — or just rinse and repeat.
The new rule overturns a 13,000-word federal definition of “showerhead” that the Biden administration had implemented to conserve water. According to Trump’s team, that word count was “longer than some Russian novels and at least three Scaramucci tenures.”
“We’re restoring sanity,” the White House insisted in its fact sheet, which helpfully pointed out that the Oxford English Dictionary manages to define ‘showerhead’ in a single sentence.
By contrast, Biden-era guidelines had limited multi-nozzle showers to a combined 2.5 gallons (10 litres) per minute, a restriction so egregious it sparked a full-blown executive response.
Consumer and conservation groups, presumably too wet behind the ears, have argued that the regulations save water, lower energy bills, and help the environment.
But Trump, in true New Golden Age fashion, framed his order as a defense of freedom: “Americans pay for their own water and should be free to choose their showerheads without government meddling.”
He added that Biden was simply pushing a “radical green agenda” — an odd critique, considering Trump’s executive order appears rooted in the personal politics of perfect coifs and high-pressure hair rinsing.
In what some might see as a compelling argument for irony, the White House accused Biden of prioritizing ideology over people — all while Trump’s hair-inspired deregulation effort was, literally, signed in front of a mirror.
The executive order will take effect 30 days after the Energy Secretary rescinds the Biden-era rule, which Trump’s team described as having “turned a basic household item into a bureaucratic nightmare.”
One official on hand reportedly lamented: “No longer will American showers be weak and worthless.”
Because the fight for truth, justice and the American Way starts in the shower.
