This is intended as satire. All quotes are fictitious..(June 31, 2023) Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced funding for a major new green initiative in the Prairie provinces. The federal government will contribute $6.66 billion over the next seven years to develop an “artificial elevated prominent landform” in Saskatchewan..Government officials whose job it is to be quoted explained, “This is a significant investment towards our government’s long-term goal of protecting the environment and achieving a net zero economy.”.They described the project as “breathtaking, innovative, and unprecedented.”.Under recent federal legislation, all generation of electricity must be carbon neutral by 2030. This means provinces such as Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba must cease producing electricity by burning natural gas, coal and other fossil fuels..In the past, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has stated that “it makes no sense to burn natural gas to create electricity to power electric vehicles.”.Did the conversation then go something like this?.Trudeau rejected Smith’s argument as “stupid and obviously wrong” and said the Prairie provinces should generate electricity through hydroelectric dams on fast-flowing rivers as more progressive provinces such as Ontario, Quebec and British Columbia do..Trudeau suggested that Smith was just being obstructionist and stubborn, living in the past, and refusing to accept modern realities..Smith countered that the Prairies do not have any fast-flowing rivers. This was one point on which the two sides have agreed, Trudeau stating that “People in the prairies are definitely slow.”.Last year, the federal government commissioned a $5 million study to determine why the rivers are slow and to find ways of speeding up the flow..Options included hiring firms from Quebec to install electric heaters in the rivers in the winter to prevent the formation of ice and to install electric waterwheels along the banks to increase flow rates..However, Indigenous leaders mounted a court challenge, arguing that any interference in the rivers was a devious ploy by the government to avoid fulfilling its treaty obligations that are guaranteed for “as long as the rivers flow.”.Indigenous leaders also argued that the electric heaters would make it difficult for First Nations to follow their ancient cultural practice of riding snowmobiles on the river ice in winter..They also raised concerns about the heaters being an electrocution hazard for fish, waterfowl, and swimmers..“Ancient First Nations wisdom shows that water and electricity can be a dangerous combination,” said Grand Chief John Smith..The federal government then commissioned a further $5 million study of the issue..Researchers from the University of Montreal determined that the fundamental problem was a shortage of elevated land in the region, explaining, "The etymology of the word ‘prairie’ is an extensive stretch of low, flat land, similar to Liberal polling numbers in those provinces.”.The researchers recommended that the federal government take steps to remediate the unfortunate geographic topography..This has led to the $6.66 billion project announced today..The federal government proposes building a 2,000-metre-high mountain in Saskatchewan, so that rainwater can flow rapidly downhill and be used to generate electricity..The mountain will be built using the blades of wind turbines, solar panels, and lithium batteries that have passed their useful life expectancy and would otherwise be buried in landfills..“It’s a win-wind proposition,” Trudeau said..A further advantage of the location, Trudeau said, is that no cities or people will have to be relocated to make room for the project..“It’s just empty and useless farmland,” he said..The government has awarded the contract to build the project to SNC-Lavalin of Montreal..The elevated landform will be named Mount Guilbeault. It will be so named to honour the widely admired Liberal cabinet minister Stephen Guilbeault..That too is satire..James R. Coggins (www.coggins.ca) is a writer, editor, and historian based in Chilliwack, BC.
